Hysteria
Laughed so hard today that I collapsed in tears. I couldn't stop - it was absolutely overwhelming. They are not terribly far apart from one another, hysterical laughter and tears. (The possibility that I am merely a lunatic, and that other people don't have this issue is, as always, on the table.)
The trouble was that my sisters and I were looking at old pictures and talking about childhood memories. Children's emotions are always right on the surface. That is what makes them hilarious and infuriating and heartbreaking. They lack the capacity to hide what they are feeling, which we adults (yes, I include myself in this group) take great pains to do. So when I tap into that well of unmitigated sentiment, only emotional disaster can result. I am very lucky to have the greatest family ever, and my childhood was quite happy as a result. The only real source of unhappiness was my own broody mind, which torments me to this day.
So when I look at old photos, the enormity of my love for my siblings, then and now, combined with that surface emotion, means there is a one in one chance that I will eventually end up crying. Nostalgia for the past is not so strange, but why am I nostalgic for moments that are currently happening? Today I was a mess because I was fully conscious of the present moment with my sisters as well as the entirety of the past that we share. It's a hall of mirrors. There is no end and no beginning to my history with them.
The trouble was that my sisters and I were looking at old pictures and talking about childhood memories. Children's emotions are always right on the surface. That is what makes them hilarious and infuriating and heartbreaking. They lack the capacity to hide what they are feeling, which we adults (yes, I include myself in this group) take great pains to do. So when I tap into that well of unmitigated sentiment, only emotional disaster can result. I am very lucky to have the greatest family ever, and my childhood was quite happy as a result. The only real source of unhappiness was my own broody mind, which torments me to this day.
So when I look at old photos, the enormity of my love for my siblings, then and now, combined with that surface emotion, means there is a one in one chance that I will eventually end up crying. Nostalgia for the past is not so strange, but why am I nostalgic for moments that are currently happening? Today I was a mess because I was fully conscious of the present moment with my sisters as well as the entirety of the past that we share. It's a hall of mirrors. There is no end and no beginning to my history with them.
1 Comments:
Allison!! So happy you checked this! If you are still at CSU, I will track down your email - if not, let me know and I will Nancy Drew you another way!
By Maureen, at 6:48 PM
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