Quiz Time

This quiz is easy to take, as it is in true or false format and is a "take home" as well as "open book".
1. Weddings would be a lot cooler if the bride entered to "The Imperial March" (Darth Vader's music) instead of the Wedding March. T F
2. Question 1 reveals a great deal about my likelihood of marrying. T F
3. There should be a morning show devoted solely to interesting stories about animals, including animal beauty pageants and treat preparation segments. T F
4. The Office Periscope is an idea whose time has come. T F
5. Elevators bring out the awkward in everyone. T F
6. I will pass out from the excitement of new Harry Potter book and movie arriving so close together. T F
7. Listening to the Nine Inch Nails song "Only" 8000 times in a row is irresistible, but may drive you to the brink of madness. T F
8. It is a damn outrage that Setanta is showing the France match instead of the England match tomorrow. T F
9. Once you start reading your daily horoscope online, it is impossible to refrain for even a day. T F
10. See also "Word of the Day" from dictionary.com. T F

Answer key: If you answered T for every question, we are BFri. Call me!

Arrested!

Horrifying afternoon. I was halfway out of sorts because I was going to a meeting after work, and was unclear about the purpose and location of the meeting. I had written out directions in an attempt to resolve one of the two issues, and was trying to follow them. Anyone who has ever driven in or around Boston understands that directions are frakkin useless. Even if Rand or McNally assure you in soothing tones that streets have names, go in a certain direction, allow you to use motorized vehicles, make turns, or even exist - you must not believe them.

So I had forgotten my own sensible advice and was thinking that concepts like "turn left" had any utility when I realized I was being tricked into going onto the Mass Pike. To prevent this, I went straight through an intersection instead of turning left. After I got through the intersection, I saw police lights, and immediately got to the right to enable the 5-0 to get after dangerous criminals. You guys. I was the dangerous criminal.

Except I kept trying to get out of the way, until the cop was convinced I was on the run! Finally stopped all the way, and the cop came to the window and asked their favorite question: Do you know why I pulled you over? Like everyone else in the history of ever, I said no. Do you suppose anyone ever says, "okay, you got me! I was running a polar bear smuggling ring! Clever ol' copper!" No - but in my defense I was genuinely puzzled. He told me I should have turned because I was in a "turning lane". So I gave him my documents and waved my useless directions at him. He went back to the cruiser.

Forever.

I watched the seasons change, my hair turn gray, my teeth fall out, teleporters populate the streetcorners, and aliens take over our planet.

Still the policeman was hanging out in his cruiser.

Meanwhile, I was blocking one lane of traffic and for part of this eternity a bus was blocking the other lane. I could actually feel the hatred from the other drivers. Eventually he came back with a warning and a firm suggestion that I obtain a Massachusetts drivers license. By the time he left I was beyond flustered.

So I nearly made an illegal left turn. In front of the cop. Still attempting to follow bloody useless directions. Not a smart girl, obviously. Settled for making a series of semi-legal u-turns to manage the left turn. Which took me in the completely wrong direction. Of course.

Hopelessly lost and increasingly convinced I should give up on the meeting, I pulled off into a parking lot and had a serious chat with myself. I eventually listened to the sense I was talking and got myself to the meeting, but I was seriously traumatized. Hate driving.

Reasonable risk

Hee. This quote makes me laugh. "Since life itself is a universally fatal sexually transmitted disease, living it to the full demands a balance between reasonable and unreasonable risk." Lovely. Economists are so sexy.

Economists' pick up lines (apart from the brilliant one above):
Hey baby, want to sink my costs?
Enough about my invisible hand, let's get you into that invisible skirt.
Why so uptight? Laissez-faire me give you a smooch!
I've got the supply curve, you've got the demand curve. Let's intersect.
My interest rate is soaring.
*filthy joke about "trickling down" omitted*
You look like you know a thing or two about elasticity.
You make me feel irrational exuberance.
Any chance you have a discount rate?
What do you say to a little game theory?
If you reject me, I will plunge into a Great Depression.

You can dissaude an amorous economist by pointing out: Hey hey hey pal! That hand ain't so invisible!

Good heavens. I need to get back to work. These aren't even funny jokes, I'm just in full avoidance mood.

Banking

Okay, maybe I need to find a new bank. Last time I went to the bank, the teller rubbed lotion on my hands. Today I needed to go again, and just for a change of pace, it was a fellow customer who decided to be weird. He looked perfectly normal, so I had no idea what was about to happen.

MJS: (waiting patiently, staring into middle distance)
Weird Guy: Do you want to hear a joke?
MJS: (polite smile) oh, uh, sure. Jokes are good.
WG: it's not really a joke.
MJS: Okay.
WG: My mother died two years ago, and Monday was her birthday.
MJS: Oh my! I'm sorry to hear that.
WG: Yeah, so my sister is kind of a bitch.
MJS: (edging away) Uh huh.
WG: I'm on my way to visit her in the hospital.
MJS: Oh, I see. Well, I hope she's all right.
(Line clears and teller becomes available. MJS nods at WG to indicate that he should go to the counter, as the "joke" has failed to materialize.)
WG: Oh, you can go ahead.
MJS (starting to wonder if this chap has any banking business to attend to): Are you sure? You were here first.
WG: So my sister fell down the stairs and broke her shoulder. She had to get surgery.
MJS: Oh, my. Well. I'm sorry to hear -
WG: So you can go ahead even though I'm on my way to the hospital.
MJS: No, really!
(Second teller becomes available. Neither MJS nor WG move forward.)
WG: So my other sister says, I wonder if Ma tripped her and made her fall! (Laughing)
MJS: (searching desperately for a facial expression) Ha?
WG: 'Cause it was Ma's birthday.
MJS: Ha?
WG: So I says, "She didn't trip her!"
MJS: Well, no I -
WG: She shoved her! (Overcome by his own wit, WG can barely restrain his laughter.)
MJS: Oh, the teller is signaling to you. Good luck at the hospital!

Clowntown Productions

One of my sisters had a close encounter of the clowny kind the other night. She was at work doing an overnight shift and this creepy dude kept coming over to talk to her. She knew right away that he was scary, but didn't know why. Eventually he gave her his card, and guess what he does for a living? Mmmm-hmmmm....clown!! He had a horrible stretchy face, and she could picture him in the makeup working a kid's birthday party and smelling of old whiskey and fresh cigars. Needless to say, she is traumatized, and has been spending most of her time wrapped in a foil blanket, shivering and gently weeping.

Meanwhile, some of us just act like clowns, but can't be arsed to wear makeup. Yesterday at work I was in a meeting passing notes and giggling and I got yelled at by a guy in a Cosby sweater. I am 32 years old. How is it possible that I'm still sitting in the back row of the classroom getting in trouble for not paying attention? The greatest part is that I could feel my face arrange itself into Sullen Teenager mode instantly. Any time I think about going back to school for anything, I remember why it's not such a good idea.

See?

All my nonsensical rambling about science and magic being aligned is true. My favorite quote from the story? Glad you asked. According to one subject, "It's really weird," she said. "But since I know they're only able to do this if they have certain machines, I'm not worried that everybody else on the street can read my mind."

Oh, can't they? And by the way, you should be ashamed of yourself. What would your mum say if she knew what you were thinking? Filthy.

Hysteria

Laughed so hard today that I collapsed in tears. I couldn't stop - it was absolutely overwhelming. They are not terribly far apart from one another, hysterical laughter and tears. (The possibility that I am merely a lunatic, and that other people don't have this issue is, as always, on the table.)

The trouble was that my sisters and I were looking at old pictures and talking about childhood memories. Children's emotions are always right on the surface. That is what makes them hilarious and infuriating and heartbreaking. They lack the capacity to hide what they are feeling, which we adults (yes, I include myself in this group) take great pains to do. So when I tap into that well of unmitigated sentiment, only emotional disaster can result. I am very lucky to have the greatest family ever, and my childhood was quite happy as a result. The only real source of unhappiness was my own broody mind, which torments me to this day.

So when I look at old photos, the enormity of my love for my siblings, then and now, combined with that surface emotion, means there is a one in one chance that I will eventually end up crying. Nostalgia for the past is not so strange, but why am I nostalgic for moments that are currently happening? Today I was a mess because I was fully conscious of the present moment with my sisters as well as the entirety of the past that we share. It's a hall of mirrors. There is no end and no beginning to my history with them.