Sensing a trend
Hot on the heels of my post about my Teen Dreem All-Star Teem, comes more serious thinking about hunting and trapping the North American male. Many techniques can be utilized to attack this wily predator. Here are some of my favorites. The fact that the following are my go-to strategies goes a loooong way towards explaining why my relationships have always been such a wild success.
1) Do nothing. This is for the faint of heart. Pros: No exposure to looking like a fool when the boy isn't interested. Con: Works best on boys who are both interested in you and psychic. Sadly for my wimpy self, it is a rare combination. However, if you enjoy a rich fantasy life, you can imagine the entire course of the pretend relationship in exhaustive detail. Eventually, Imaginary Boyfriend will do something that pisses you off, and you can have some closure with an Imaginary Breakup. Caution: your Land of Make-Believe may cause you to treat the actual human boy differently. For example, after the Imaginary Breakup, you may be angry with him in real life, and hold a grudge against his imaginary cheating ass forever.
2) Go with the flow. If a boy shows interest, and he doesn't make you actively ill, shrug and agree to date him. I have used this to great effect in the past, often allowing laziness and ennui to carry relationships for up to three years. Pro: There's someone around, which is nice. Con: Yeah, but it's him.
3) The Joe Namath. Of course, I haven't personally done this ever, but a friend of mine, um...Lurleen, she has a tendency to get loaded and be all, "I wanna kish yuuu". This has paid off for me, I mean Noreen or whatever her name was, on some occasions, but more often it leads to hangovers and regret. I've heard. Pro: Smooching is great. Con: It's too late to be ashamed when you've already shown yourself to be a shameless hussy.
4) Seething resentment. This is not for beginners. This is a complex strategy, involving subtle degradation of your crush's current girlfriend. You must not admit to disliking her directly, but you are encouraged to nurture your crush's grievances against Girlfriend until he comes to the realization that you, Ms. Perfect, have been right there for him all along. This type of behavior, while extremely rare in the actual world, happens all the time in movies. Feel free to watch the movies for pointers on getting him to realize he's in love with you. Caution: the airport scenes in nearly every romantic comedy should no longer be relied on. He can't come running to the gate to stop you just in time without being arrested. Pro: If it works, it's very cinematic. Con: It doesn't work.
That's all for today's lesson. The important thing to do is get out there and really make an effort. I cannot be held responsible for the restraining orders, heartbreak, or unwanted pregnancies that may result from following my advice.
1) Do nothing. This is for the faint of heart. Pros: No exposure to looking like a fool when the boy isn't interested. Con: Works best on boys who are both interested in you and psychic. Sadly for my wimpy self, it is a rare combination. However, if you enjoy a rich fantasy life, you can imagine the entire course of the pretend relationship in exhaustive detail. Eventually, Imaginary Boyfriend will do something that pisses you off, and you can have some closure with an Imaginary Breakup. Caution: your Land of Make-Believe may cause you to treat the actual human boy differently. For example, after the Imaginary Breakup, you may be angry with him in real life, and hold a grudge against his imaginary cheating ass forever.
2) Go with the flow. If a boy shows interest, and he doesn't make you actively ill, shrug and agree to date him. I have used this to great effect in the past, often allowing laziness and ennui to carry relationships for up to three years. Pro: There's someone around, which is nice. Con: Yeah, but it's him.
3) The Joe Namath. Of course, I haven't personally done this ever, but a friend of mine, um...Lurleen, she has a tendency to get loaded and be all, "I wanna kish yuuu". This has paid off for me, I mean Noreen or whatever her name was, on some occasions, but more often it leads to hangovers and regret. I've heard. Pro: Smooching is great. Con: It's too late to be ashamed when you've already shown yourself to be a shameless hussy.
4) Seething resentment. This is not for beginners. This is a complex strategy, involving subtle degradation of your crush's current girlfriend. You must not admit to disliking her directly, but you are encouraged to nurture your crush's grievances against Girlfriend until he comes to the realization that you, Ms. Perfect, have been right there for him all along. This type of behavior, while extremely rare in the actual world, happens all the time in movies. Feel free to watch the movies for pointers on getting him to realize he's in love with you. Caution: the airport scenes in nearly every romantic comedy should no longer be relied on. He can't come running to the gate to stop you just in time without being arrested. Pro: If it works, it's very cinematic. Con: It doesn't work.
That's all for today's lesson. The important thing to do is get out there and really make an effort. I cannot be held responsible for the restraining orders, heartbreak, or unwanted pregnancies that may result from following my advice.
posted by Maureen at
4:52 PM
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