Victory?

Sorry about the ridiculous amount of time between postings. Some of you are aware that there's a lot going on right now, and that personal stuff combined with a comically excessive work schedule has kept me off the internet. I just got back from court, where we got a ruling on the most gut-wrenching case I've ever been involved with. I "won", in the sense that I got the relief I requested from the court, but I am most definitely not in a celebratory mood.

As a litigator, it sometimes happens that you get involved with a case that makes you uneasy. There are different ways to justify your involvement, like that you're an advocate, that the system is designed to be adversarial, that it's a test of logic, wit and skill. But during the course of this trial, I was conscious of how I might have handled things if I were opposing counsel, and I would have been pretty vicious, and I might have been successful on that side against my client. That realization made me feel really horrible, as though maybe I've lost sight of why I personally do this for a living. Other attorneys I've met view litigation as a game like any other, and are motivated by the competition alone. I've always found that attitude disgusting, and yet I'm worried that I've adopted it to some extent.

Ugh. The comedy will return, I swear, but for tonight I could really use a vat of wine and an early bedtime.